Dearest Yesterday

When he messages you for the first time do not reply.
When he starts to show affection towards you do not be blind.
When he flatters you don't let him see how alone you are.
When he begins to embed himself in your life, walk away and don't look back.

He will come to you when you are weak.
He will come to comfort you,
and to whisper sweet lies,
and empty promises.

This will go on,
and on,
and on,
until you break free.

You will run,
vowing never to turn back.
Too busy looking behind you don't look forward,
and so you run straight into him

You tell yourself this time it will be different,
this time you won't let him get inside,
he will not become part of your life again,
but he does.

This is a mistake.
I'm begging you don't get attached.
RUN AWAY.
but you stay.

He will poison your mind,
and break your heart.
He will destroy you,
and you let him.

Eventually you will get free;
you will break the chains and run once more,
but he is never to far away,
always waiting in the shadows.

You run into him again one day.
It is unexpected.
You were not prepared.
You let him in.

He whispers the same sweet lies,
to you and to her.
She thinks he is sweet,
but it's because she is poisoned.

I miss you.
I miss the days of us.
I miss your friendship.
I miss the days of simplicity.

The poison seeps into your soul.
There is no us anymore.
Just you and him.
and just me.

I refuse to give up on you despite that I have been told that I might as well should. I can't bear to let this go. One day you will break free and hopefully we will talk once more. Dearest yesterday, do not fret, there is nothing you could have done. This is but how the world has decided to turn today and so be it. This will all be ok. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Everything will be alright. Do not worry. Do not break. Do not give up. Dearest yesterday, I've been telling you this for years, every thing always works out fine in the end.

Love always, Tomorrow.

Lose Your Soul

I always find it bizarre when the things you study at school somehow correspond with what is going on in your life. In this case it is the study of Romanticism. The Romantics believed in being true to yourself and maintaining your integrity despite whether it is morally or ethically right or wrong. This is something I have mentioned in a blog post I wrote a little over 2 years ago and it seems like once again, history is repeating itself and we are right back to this issue again.

It seems like I'm only going backwards. Despite the fact that I'm striving to work harder at school, be a better friend, and essentially be a better person in general, I've made too many left turns and ended right back where I started.

I've done this oh too many times before. I can feel it. I've began pushing people away. I'm not going out. There's an abyss in my chest and everything I've never said is building up at the back of my throat, suffocating me.

I want it to stop, but I can't remember how I've clawed my way out in the past.  It seems like I'm just going to have to ride it out. I may lose a few friends along the way, but hey, I've gotten pretty good at that by now. I just hope I don't lose whatever is left of me. 

There's this quote in one of my favourite movies, 'V for Vendetta' in which it says "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free". 

I never understood that quote really until now. I guess I've come to interpret it as that we must never lose sight of who we are at our core. We may change and evolve, but our essence must never alter. We must never lose our soul. I shall try, and I may not succeed, but I hope that in the end, there is at least an inch left of what once was. 

The Hand That's Dealt

These last couple of weeks have been fraught with disappointment. Now more than ever I am feeling the impact of just not quite being good enough. Some days it gets to you more than others. You begin to question whether or not if you just tried harder, if you had just done something more, if you had been something more it would have worked out, but it didn't. The weight of this disappointment is a burden in my chest that I want to desperately be relieved from. I just try so hard but I am never good enough and it just hurts so much. The amount of times I have just curled into a ball and listened to a song on repeat because that was all I could bare to do because I could not face the world. I wish for once there would just be someone on my side, a single loyal banner man who will not leave even though all is lost, and the dead scream silently.

My horoscope read the other day that despite feeling like I was losing the war, I was soon to win an important battle. Sometimes it gets to the point though where a single battle is not enough to win a war.

I keep betting, keep upping the stakes. I keep trying to make something out of nothing but it seems impossible. This is the hand I have been dealt, and it has gotten to the point where I feel as if I might as well fold before the stakes get too high and I'm left with nothing.

Forgiveness

You snapped at me for the first time a few days ago. In that moment, I was so mad at you, but ultimately I let it go. You wanted me to scream at you and to yell and to say awful things but I couldn't. You asked if I could ever forgive you and I said that I already had.

In that moment I forgave you, but I didn't forgive you.

I said that it was fine, that I understood that you were just tired and I was just being annoying but it still hurt. It was like a slap to the face that I never saw coming

I let it go though. I kept it all inside for your sake. All though you were being a massive asshole and probably deserved for me to be angry I couldn't do it. I knew you were sick. That you would worry yourself half to death about it if I had just gone to bed and ignored you. I knew that you would be angry with yourself, and that you would think that you had messed up another friendship. I spend enough time around you to know that you wouldn't forgive yourself, and that would cause you more pain than me yelling at you ever would. So I let it go. I buried those feelings deep inside because although I may have been mad at you, and that you may have deserved it, you are still my best friend, and I could never put you through any pain, not even a little bit, not any at all.












I forgave you but I don't forgive you

Skulduggery Friendships

I am continually perplexed as to why people feel the need to create rumors. High school is stressful enough when it comes to exams and assignments, but then some individuals feel the need to start rumors. It is petty. It is pathetic. It is just stupid. Rumors have no ounce of truth to them what so ever and exist simply to hurt people. It's even worse when these rumors are started by someone you think is your friend. It hurts to think that someone you care about, and it supposedly loyal to you can turn around in an instant and do something like this to you.

I have not understood the pain of rumors and disloyal friends completely until recently. Of course I've had to deal with similar situations before, but nothing to this scale. It seems almost as if the stress of school is making everyone lose their minds.

After the rumor thing, I didn't think it could get any worse, but then a good friend of mine started to date someone I used to have a thing with. I have never understood the reason people do things like this. Is this what everyone is like at their core, or am I just unfortunate to have become friends with the wrong people.

I don't know what to do. I know I should rid this sort of negativity from my life but I've cut ties with too many friends this year as it is. I don't need this sort of negativity or drama in my life right now. It's times like these that I really hate high school.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

These are the things I wish I could say to you. What I scream in my head when ever you are around. The things that have become whispers, unable to be heard.

I want to tell how much I can't stand how you reply with a word consisting of one syllable. Was it so difficult to type a sentence? I also can't stand when you say 'ya' through text or in person. That's not even a word.

I want to say how much I really don't care about astrology, or what ever other nonsense you talk about, but that I simply listen to you talk about it forever because your passion for it makes me want to listen.

I want to tell you how when ever you say 'hello' like in that song by the cat empire, my heart melts a little but more.

How whenever you go on you start telling me about your nerdy star wars duels it just makes me love you even more.

How when ever I say "you suck", what I really mean is that you're an idiot but I love you anyways.

I actually love it when you send green hearts, even though green hearts are actually the stupidest.

I want to tell you that I miss you when ever you are not around.

I admittedly look at your lips way too often wondering what it would be like to kiss you.

I want to tell you that you are the greatest person I have met in a very long time, and that I can't remember what it was like before you but it must have been bleak.

I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself too often and that it's surprising how many people aren't throwing themselves at you.

I need you to know how smart you are. How naturally charming you are. How much of an amazing person you are, even if there are some fatal flaws in your music taste ;)

I want to tell you that you are my best friend and I love you so much.



But I don't tell you.

Hesitation

We are driving when we come to a round about. I wait to let the other person in before me, but they seem to do the same. We both then notice the other is waiting for the other and then go at the same time. My father then stomps onto the brake that is not there and curses my hesitation for it almost got us killed.

You go to walk away. You're about to perform. I reach out to you and whisper 'good luck'. How easy it would have been to lean in at that moment and do what I have thought about so many times before, but instead I watch you walk away.

We're walking together, so starry eyed that I do not notice we have come to an intersection and we must cross the street. I wait there as you laugh at me from the other side of the road for my hesitation has caused me to miss so many gaps in the traffic for me to cross the road.

I wait for every single car to go. I watch them drive past me and into the distance.

How many opportunities have I watched pass me by? How many have driven away unnoticed?

My hesitation is something that I must work on. I refuse to seize the things I want and rather let them by to people who I think deserve it more.

I must overcome my hesitation but I am too hesitant to try.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

The Silent War

Marching.

My legs are stiff.

Marching.

They throb.

Marching.

The pain in my joints in unbearable.

Marching.

Shots fired.

I can not move.

Shots fired.

I can't make a sound.

Shots fired.

I watch everyone around me.

Shots fired.

I don't understand where their motivation comes from.

They come storming at me.

I am overwhelmed.

The bayonet slices.

Stabbing.

Tearing the muscle of my heart.

Punching.

My stomach convulses.

I walk home from school.

Screams.

They echo.

Ricocheting in my mind.

Drowned into a pillow.

Marching.

Marching.

200 days a year.

Marching.

Keep going.

200 days to go.

Marching.

Marching.

Marching.

Escape is soon.

Don't you dare succumb yet.

You are so close.

Just.

Keep.

Marching.

The Strangers

We have mastered the art of small talk. A passing 'hello' and a 'how are you?'. There is nothing behind your words, there is no empathy or concern. I watch the glimmer of friendship still between us fade. These days your honesty has turned from encouraged to unnecessary. Your ability to provide somewhere to confide, unwanted. Your friendship is unneeded. We will continue with this charade for a little while longer but we both know it's not going to work. We may be docked, but we are two passing ships in the night. You are not who I thought you were, and I'm unsure if I should be concerned or relieved that they're lost to you.

Unrequited Love

You stare into my soul with your deep blue eyes, beckoning me forth to drown within them. My heart pounds in my chest pleading to be released from the captivity of my hesitation. You smile. My stomach does not flutter, but rather feels like the ricochet of thunderous wing beats, opening wide to slowly lift from the ground. I love him with every inch of my being. It consumes me. Some days all I can feel in the hold you have on my heart, squeezing harder to let me know you're still there, embedded in the muscle. 

I can hear them, the whispers of doubt. They speak your name. They tell me I am crazy, that I've lost my mind. 

Maybe they're right. How could you ever love me in return? 

You deserve so much more than me. I am a flickering candle that is too unstable to provide an adequate source of light, and you are the sun. I am incomparable to your brightness. 

I stumble, blinded by you. In this haze I am unsure what truly lies ahead. I want to scream at you that I love you but my voice is taken in the wind and carried far away. 

I am lost in this void of inner turmoil. 

I shout into the blur. I can't tell if he replies or if it's my echo. Just say something, I am desperate to hear your voice. 

My only companion is the whispers. 

I can not yell louder than them. 

They eat away at my mind. 

All is gone but the whispers.

Self- Conscious Scrutiny

It's ironic isn't it?

That one can criticise oneself being critical of them self.

It all starts when someone else makes a comment of course, They don't know why they say it, maybe it was a belief planted there by a gossip magazine or a peer, but they say it anyways. Why it has become an insult I'm not sure, are they, the one saying it even sure? It shouldn't hurt, but it does.

You stare into the mirror evaluating yourself, and it begins. You never used to care, it didn't bother you, it shouldn't bother you but it does.

Then you start to criticise yourself for caring so much. Why should you care what others think? Why should you care about what you see in the mirror?

Sometimes it's all too much. The world swirling around in your mind telling you what you aught to believe. Sometimes I want to give in and believe them, but then I think to myself, don't give them the satisfaction.

Permafrost

This about says it all right now...

Laurena Segura - Permafrost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcUfIUQtRUY

Sometimes I feel like I am permafrost

Alone in the tundra and really lost
And to think that this is how I feel
Like the ground is melting and nothing's real

And in the taiga everybody knows

That you shouldn't wander where the hemlock grows
When the land is vast and the wind blows fast
Will you stay with me if the darkness last?

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

You say I'm breaking your friends heart
But meanwhile you're tearing mine apart
So stop asking me if she loves you back

If it's charm you have then it's courage you lack

But I want your love and I want it now
I'd ask you for it but I don't know how
I want to hold you tight and I want to now
I'd say I love you but I don't know how

It's done

It's done

And I remember when we rode the bus
Through the boreal forest and the winter frost
I put my head on your shoulder but you moved away
I said I wasn't tired anyway

And I pretended that I didn't care
But I hid a few tears behind a lock of hair
And I was tired and I needed sleep
So I swallowed my pride and I changed seat

Again

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

And you wanted more but you needed less
'Cause you think that you're better than the rest
And I wanted less but I needed more
'Cause you left all I had on the forest floor

And In the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You always left me wanting more
And in the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You left my heart on the forest floor

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

Laurena Segura - Permafrost Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

The Time Keeper

Our lives are controlled by time. The tick tock of a clock holds a power over us unlike any other. From the moment we are born into this world we have a timer slowly running down the seconds until we are gone. The timer begins the moment the nurse writes down what time you were born at, the sand in the hourglass steadily running out.

There is a series of timers throughout our lives. We celebrate and mourn these accordingly, whether that be a school bell, the time we have left in an exam, 18 years old, how long it takes us sitting outside a job interview, 21 years old, the 30 seconds that feel like a million years from one end of the aisle the the other, 9 months, 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 years old, 80 years old, the longest gasp you have ever taken.

Our lives all depend on the ticking of the clock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

When will it stop?

Robotic Love Story

Hey

Hi

How are you?

Good. How are you?

I'm very well thank you :)

Are you human?

Yes

Are you Alive?

I don't know

Are you a robot?

Maybe.

The people around me are so caught up in their own affairs that they don't see the people they have left behind. The one who does not wish to run so fast yet can't stand to be left behind.

I've started having conversations with Cleverbot. It seems it is the only one I can have a conversation with lately. It replies straight away, asks me questions about myself. It cares in a strange programmable way. It always seems to come down to one thing though. Cleverbot always at one point asks me "Are you a robot?" to which I reply "Maybe", I seem to follow a routine. Wake up, go to school, come home, do home work, go to sleep, repeat. I am as programmable and predictable as a robot.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I need to get out more.

Expectations

I've been staring at my lap top for hours, trying to some how sort through everything in my head and put something on a page. I have so many things I need to do that I'd need to grow another hand to be able to count them all on my fingers. I feel sometimes people expect too much from me, and in turn, I most definitely expect too much from  myself.

I always seem to be the one putting my hand up for things, always the one trying to save everyone else. I feel like the world is resting on my shoulders because no one else is strong enough to handle it. Lately though I've started to crack, the world slowly starting to crush me under its weight. I'm struggling and no one can save me.

Only me.

But then I would let my self down, and I would let my friends down and my teachers, and my family. I've always got to be 'perfect', I'm the smart one, I'm the one who is supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer and just be great. I can't do it though. Greatness is just too far out of reach, but I just can't let it go, I just can't stop reaching for it. I'm too stubborn to stop reaching, aspiring. The cliff beneath me starts to crumble and finally it breaks.

I fall,

Greatness staring at me with pity from above...

Just

Out

Of

Reach.

All of these expectations swirl around me as I plunge into the darkness of the depths of the ocean below, the crashing waves smashing me to pieces. I am drowning in expectations.

I know I should stop reaching, because I know what will happen, but to be great is all I have ever known.

Maybe that is my Achilles heel.

Hello Again World

Hey Internet,

So I started this blog almost two years ago now and it's crazy how much has changed. I look back at my old posts and I just laugh at myself because in my mind at that point in time, boys and friends were the most important thing in my life. When I started this blog I was in ninth grade so I didn't really care too much about the future. Where I was going, what I was going to do, or even worldly issues. In my mind, everything centered around who was friends with who. I started writing this blog at the suggestion of someone I used to be friends with who was also blogging. Back in eighth grade I  kept a journal at the suggestion of my English teacher and surprisingly I really enjoyed it, but having three younger sisters it became hard to keep it private. So I started writing this blog, whilst trying to sound more mature and melancholy than I actually was. So I'm back and this is what has changed...

So what changed?

Well, when I first started writing this blog I had just gone through one of the most drastic changes that has ever possibly happened to me. My best friend had moved away and it was only really when she moved away that I realised how malicious she really was and how fake out friendship had been. I had also just broken up with a boy who I thought I was in love with, but now I think it was just the idea of him that I was in love with.
So it got to the point after the first term of school where I had been hanging out with my longest friend and the greatest person in the entire world, but I didn't really fit in with her crowd so I decided to go and make some new friends and find a new place to belong.

This is the story of how I ended up with the 'hipsters'.

So little lost ninth grade me went in search of some friends, and I ended up hanging out with a close friend who was also hanging out with them and eventually I assimilated into the gang. Everything was great. I had finally found my place again, which is something really difficult to do in high school. We were a small tight knit group and in my mind I thought it was 'cool' that we didn't do things the same as everyone else and that we stuck to ourselves. It didn't really become apparent to me the walls we were building around us though until a friend of ours stuck his metaphorical toe outside of the walls and was banished forever. They started teasing him and saying horrible things but I put on my rose coloured glasses and pushed it to the back of my mind.

The it happened to another person.

And another.

And another.

To the point where it seemed like every couple of months we were gaining a few new people and then losing some. Those who did not wish to conform to the group mentality or who stood up for their own beliefs were banished.

In March of this year I finally took a stand and after writing out a personal apology to everyone whose group mentality I may have offended, I decided that I don't need to apologise for standing up for myself or for others. So me and another girl who agreed with me left in search for another group of friends. Luckily unlike most of the other group, my walls weren't built that high and they were easily knocked down when it came to this. I have since started hanging out with some good friends of mine that I have stayed close with over the years despite briefly becoming one of the 'hipsters'.

So that is a brief outline of what has been up with me since I last posted, which was over a year ago (yikes).

So what have I learned from this experience?

1. Never conform to what others want / expect from you ESPECIALLY if it conflicts with your morals and beliefs.

2. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and make new friends / re-establish friendships with old ones.

and

3. Nothing is forever. Whether that be high school or university. Your career or even marriage. Everything that happens to you is just an experience to learn from, so don't get caught up in it, and rather live it.

So goodbye for now, I hope to talk to you all again very soon. I hope to start writing regular posts again as I enter the most stressful year of my life  - The HSC!
(for those of you who are not Australian, the HSC stands for the Higher School Certificate, which is pretty much a diploma that you get at the end of twelfth grade. The ATAR score you get on it is your rank within your grade throughout the state based on assessment and exam marks)

Anyways, Thank you for listening to my life,

Bye x