Monday, 19 October 2015

Lose Your Soul

I always find it bizarre when the things you study at school somehow correspond with what is going on in your life. In this case it is the study of Romanticism. The Romantics believed in being true to yourself and maintaining your integrity despite whether it is morally or ethically right or wrong. This is something I have mentioned in a blog post I wrote a little over 2 years ago and it seems like once again, history is repeating itself and we are right back to this issue again.

It seems like I'm only going backwards. Despite the fact that I'm striving to work harder at school, be a better friend, and essentially be a better person in general, I've made too many left turns and ended right back where I started.

I've done this oh too many times before. I can feel it. I've began pushing people away. I'm not going out. There's an abyss in my chest and everything I've never said is building up at the back of my throat, suffocating me.

I want it to stop, but I can't remember how I've clawed my way out in the past.  It seems like I'm just going to have to ride it out. I may lose a few friends along the way, but hey, I've gotten pretty good at that by now. I just hope I don't lose whatever is left of me. 

There's this quote in one of my favourite movies, 'V for Vendetta' in which it says "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free". 

I never understood that quote really until now. I guess I've come to interpret it as that we must never lose sight of who we are at our core. We may change and evolve, but our essence must never alter. We must never lose our soul. I shall try, and I may not succeed, but I hope that in the end, there is at least an inch left of what once was.