Reclusive behavior

I've become a bit of a recluse lately. I've been wanting to be alone all the time. All I have been doing lately is sitting in my room and watching movies. Today is Monday week 5 and I've already had 7 days off school. I don't like being there and having all these expectations that I'm supposed to fill. I'm constantly being judged and stereotyped and I just want it all to end.

I used to love going to school because it was an escape from home, but now I'm running from both home and school and the only time I between is the 10 minute walk home from the bus stop. 5 if which I am with a friend, the other 5 is my alone time where I have no responsibility and can just think and be with myself. Those 10 minutes is the best part of everyday.

In my fight to get away I left a friend behind and I wish I didn't. She is one of the most important people in my life and on of the very few people I actually care about. The self pity and frustration and anger and stupidity I feel towards myself kind of tuck themselves away at the back of my mind most of the time but when we talk and I'm with her, her humility and sense of moral make me envy the sort of person she is, the sort of person I wish I was. It makes me realize the sort of person I really am and I've been avoiding her because I want to avoid knowing who I really am and I'm so sorry for that. I've basically pushed her from my life because of selfish reasons and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that and to be friends with someone like me.

I think that Emilia is the person I regret pushing away the most. I've pushed everyone away lately though, not just her. I guess I just don't want to be happy and people caring for me scares me, and so I question their motives to the point where it's too much of a hassle to continue being my friend.

I think it would be best if I could just go away for a while sometimes, to run and escape and be able to sit somewhere and look out across the ocean and know how truly insignificant I am and how I don't matter, I'm a speck. Most people won't remember me in years to come and I will go from being the best friend to someone their parents mention every now and then when talking about their childhood, to being that girl thats just there in the photograph that your grandparents are showing you and they can't exactly recall who you are. Eventually though you will just become another tombstone in another graveyard and one day in a few hundred years time when historians discover your remains they'll wonder who you are and what you were like, but no one will know. You will be forgotten just as easily as everyone else that briefly occupies this planet, and that's alright, because in that moment, staring out across the ocean, I will not only feel insignificant, but standing there, looking out as far as the eye can see, I will feel as if I'm on top of the world and that nothing can hurt me.

 In that moment I will be infinite.

Paradise

To me, paradise is somewhere away from the prying eyes of society where I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I feel as if I spend every single day pretending to be someone else, and acting differently around every single person and it has gotten to the point where I don't know when I'm pretending anymore. It's all just one blurred lie.

I'm lost, I really am. I don't know where I'm going or who I am. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't know what I am doing with myself at the moment. I thought I had these friends that I  didn't need to pretend around but I do. I've been lying to everyone around me and pushing everyone away and becoming a secluse. I've changed and I thought it was for the good but in not so sure. I've just changed and my insides are turning darker and all I feel is anger.

I was recently told this story of how within ourselves there are two wolves which are at war with eachother. One of these wolves is good, the other evil. The good wolf is fueled by love and humility. The other wolf is fueled by hatred and anger. The decisions we make decide how strong each of the wolves is and therefore deciding which wolf is victorious over the other. The decisions we make determine the outcome of this battle and right now, the wolf inside of me that is winning is angry and strong.

I wish I had the strength to run and never look back. To use the strength and power of that wolf to my own benefit. I wish I could just take hold and pull myself onto his back with my arms tightly wrapped around his neck and then close my eyes and know that everything was going to be alright now. But it isn't alright and I'm not strong and I can't run and that scares me.