Forgiveness

You snapped at me for the first time a few days ago. In that moment, I was so mad at you, but ultimately I let it go. You wanted me to scream at you and to yell and to say awful things but I couldn't. You asked if I could ever forgive you and I said that I already had.

In that moment I forgave you, but I didn't forgive you.

I said that it was fine, that I understood that you were just tired and I was just being annoying but it still hurt. It was like a slap to the face that I never saw coming

I let it go though. I kept it all inside for your sake. All though you were being a massive asshole and probably deserved for me to be angry I couldn't do it. I knew you were sick. That you would worry yourself half to death about it if I had just gone to bed and ignored you. I knew that you would be angry with yourself, and that you would think that you had messed up another friendship. I spend enough time around you to know that you wouldn't forgive yourself, and that would cause you more pain than me yelling at you ever would. So I let it go. I buried those feelings deep inside because although I may have been mad at you, and that you may have deserved it, you are still my best friend, and I could never put you through any pain, not even a little bit, not any at all.












I forgave you but I don't forgive you

Skulduggery Friendships

I am continually perplexed as to why people feel the need to create rumors. High school is stressful enough when it comes to exams and assignments, but then some individuals feel the need to start rumors. It is petty. It is pathetic. It is just stupid. Rumors have no ounce of truth to them what so ever and exist simply to hurt people. It's even worse when these rumors are started by someone you think is your friend. It hurts to think that someone you care about, and it supposedly loyal to you can turn around in an instant and do something like this to you.

I have not understood the pain of rumors and disloyal friends completely until recently. Of course I've had to deal with similar situations before, but nothing to this scale. It seems almost as if the stress of school is making everyone lose their minds.

After the rumor thing, I didn't think it could get any worse, but then a good friend of mine started to date someone I used to have a thing with. I have never understood the reason people do things like this. Is this what everyone is like at their core, or am I just unfortunate to have become friends with the wrong people.

I don't know what to do. I know I should rid this sort of negativity from my life but I've cut ties with too many friends this year as it is. I don't need this sort of negativity or drama in my life right now. It's times like these that I really hate high school.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

These are the things I wish I could say to you. What I scream in my head when ever you are around. The things that have become whispers, unable to be heard.

I want to tell how much I can't stand how you reply with a word consisting of one syllable. Was it so difficult to type a sentence? I also can't stand when you say 'ya' through text or in person. That's not even a word.

I want to say how much I really don't care about astrology, or what ever other nonsense you talk about, but that I simply listen to you talk about it forever because your passion for it makes me want to listen.

I want to tell you how when ever you say 'hello' like in that song by the cat empire, my heart melts a little but more.

How whenever you go on you start telling me about your nerdy star wars duels it just makes me love you even more.

How when ever I say "you suck", what I really mean is that you're an idiot but I love you anyways.

I actually love it when you send green hearts, even though green hearts are actually the stupidest.

I want to tell you that I miss you when ever you are not around.

I admittedly look at your lips way too often wondering what it would be like to kiss you.

I want to tell you that you are the greatest person I have met in a very long time, and that I can't remember what it was like before you but it must have been bleak.

I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself too often and that it's surprising how many people aren't throwing themselves at you.

I need you to know how smart you are. How naturally charming you are. How much of an amazing person you are, even if there are some fatal flaws in your music taste ;)

I want to tell you that you are my best friend and I love you so much.



But I don't tell you.

Hesitation

We are driving when we come to a round about. I wait to let the other person in before me, but they seem to do the same. We both then notice the other is waiting for the other and then go at the same time. My father then stomps onto the brake that is not there and curses my hesitation for it almost got us killed.

You go to walk away. You're about to perform. I reach out to you and whisper 'good luck'. How easy it would have been to lean in at that moment and do what I have thought about so many times before, but instead I watch you walk away.

We're walking together, so starry eyed that I do not notice we have come to an intersection and we must cross the street. I wait there as you laugh at me from the other side of the road for my hesitation has caused me to miss so many gaps in the traffic for me to cross the road.

I wait for every single car to go. I watch them drive past me and into the distance.

How many opportunities have I watched pass me by? How many have driven away unnoticed?

My hesitation is something that I must work on. I refuse to seize the things I want and rather let them by to people who I think deserve it more.

I must overcome my hesitation but I am too hesitant to try.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

The Silent War

Marching.

My legs are stiff.

Marching.

They throb.

Marching.

The pain in my joints in unbearable.

Marching.

Shots fired.

I can not move.

Shots fired.

I can't make a sound.

Shots fired.

I watch everyone around me.

Shots fired.

I don't understand where their motivation comes from.

They come storming at me.

I am overwhelmed.

The bayonet slices.

Stabbing.

Tearing the muscle of my heart.

Punching.

My stomach convulses.

I walk home from school.

Screams.

They echo.

Ricocheting in my mind.

Drowned into a pillow.

Marching.

Marching.

200 days a year.

Marching.

Keep going.

200 days to go.

Marching.

Marching.

Marching.

Escape is soon.

Don't you dare succumb yet.

You are so close.

Just.

Keep.

Marching.

The Strangers

We have mastered the art of small talk. A passing 'hello' and a 'how are you?'. There is nothing behind your words, there is no empathy or concern. I watch the glimmer of friendship still between us fade. These days your honesty has turned from encouraged to unnecessary. Your ability to provide somewhere to confide, unwanted. Your friendship is unneeded. We will continue with this charade for a little while longer but we both know it's not going to work. We may be docked, but we are two passing ships in the night. You are not who I thought you were, and I'm unsure if I should be concerned or relieved that they're lost to you.

Unrequited Love

You stare into my soul with your deep blue eyes, beckoning me forth to drown within them. My heart pounds in my chest pleading to be released from the captivity of my hesitation. You smile. My stomach does not flutter, but rather feels like the ricochet of thunderous wing beats, opening wide to slowly lift from the ground. I love him with every inch of my being. It consumes me. Some days all I can feel in the hold you have on my heart, squeezing harder to let me know you're still there, embedded in the muscle. 

I can hear them, the whispers of doubt. They speak your name. They tell me I am crazy, that I've lost my mind. 

Maybe they're right. How could you ever love me in return? 

You deserve so much more than me. I am a flickering candle that is too unstable to provide an adequate source of light, and you are the sun. I am incomparable to your brightness. 

I stumble, blinded by you. In this haze I am unsure what truly lies ahead. I want to scream at you that I love you but my voice is taken in the wind and carried far away. 

I am lost in this void of inner turmoil. 

I shout into the blur. I can't tell if he replies or if it's my echo. Just say something, I am desperate to hear your voice. 

My only companion is the whispers. 

I can not yell louder than them. 

They eat away at my mind. 

All is gone but the whispers.