Spontaneous breakdowns

I had a spontaneous break down in maths today, and it wasn't because of the equations, well partly. I just feel so stupid sometimes and especially in maths because being in the top class, everyone is just really smart and last year I was one of those people and was quite good at mathematics but this year I've just continued to go down hill. I think that this breakdown was put into action because of that feeling of being stupid and because I have this unresolved build up of emotions and just everything that has been going on in my life lately.

I want to be happy again. I haven't been happy in a very long time now and I don't like having these random outbursts in class. I've been trying to take the negativity out of my life but it just isn't working and I'm as sad as ever at the moment.

Feeling disheartened

So Michael messaged me about half an hour ago. It's the first time we have exchanged any form of communication since he started dating my ex-best friend again 2 weeks ago, which is forever for us, considering we used to talk everyday. This is actually so pathetic, 2 weeks, such a long time, but it has felt like a lifetime.

He has messaged me about 20 times now, most of them being minute long voice messages and I'm unsure what I am going to do. He is pleading with me to talk to him and saying he made a mistake and that he knows now he didn't really love her and that he dumped her but that doesn't really change anything that has happened and I don't think I could ever trust him ever again.

When he messaged me though, my heart literally jumped and I wish he didn't still have that effect on me. I wish I could just let go and forget but it's hard, especially when he has decided he wants to still be in my life.

The thing is, if he said to me that he is sorry and he misses me, I would go back without hesitation and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the girl that goes crawling back to a guy that has smushed her heart into a million pieces again and again. I still might though and that worries me. I've had these weird pins and needles ever since he started talking to me again and I wish I didn't because that just means that I still love him and I shouldn't love him. He should mean nothing to me, he is just a guy, nothing special but I can't shake this feeling. I just want him to stop or for me to wake up right now and realise this has just been all in my head because I can't deal with this right now.

I wish I wasn't weak and could resist him and I'm trying and I need someone like Emilia to be online right now and tell me "don't give in, you're stronger than this" and for me to smile and know that she is right and that he will leave me alone soon enough but she isn't online and I can't sleep so I'm going to continue to be broken for a little while now. Life sucks sometimes.

Who you are

When I was about 4 years old my favorite colour was blue because that was the colour of my eyes. Then when I moved into a new house my bedroom had pink walls and so everything I was given was always pink to match my room. When I was about 11 years old I decided my favorite colour was blue  again because even though my room may have been pink and a lot of things I owned were pink, I actually really didn't like that colour.

I think that was a defining moment for me. I wish I knew what I would have been like as a person without being sculpted by the people around me, whether that be family or friends, or even society in general. There is this girl in my year at school, and although this will sound mean, she is overweight and has greasy hair, a terrible laugh and isn't exactly what people would call "pretty" but although physically she may not be attractive, she is an amazingly loyal friend to those around her and people do often say terrible things either about or to her but she continues to be possibly the happiest person I have ever met and it makes me happy knowing that she is happy with who she is and just doesn't care what other people think, which is becoming an extremely rare quality.

Unlike her, i'm not exactly happy with the person I am, but at least I'm not the person I'm not. If that makes sense. Simply I would prefer to be who I am at the moment than the person that I'm not, because I don't think I would like that person very much. I wish I did know the sort of person I would have been if society hadn't have meddled, but really it wouldn't have mattered.

Windows

Sometimes I'm sad, especially when I'm looking out a window. I think they make me sad because I wish life was as simple as it is when you're looking out a window. There is something magical about windows. When looking out them you feel as if time stands still and nothing else matters. It's as if the world is at your fingertips, if just for a moment. The world moves past so quickly but inside you're at a standstill. I think that's a good representation of life. We can stand still but the world will continue to fly past us.

I always over think when I look out windows. Normally I would have other things that'll be occupying my time and so absorbing my thinking capacity, but on a bus looking out a window, that's when I sit and think and all my emotions run wild. I think about friends and family, and moments in time, and the past, and where I am going in life, and maths homework that I don't want to do, and its all just too much sometimes.

You don't ever seem to look in windows though. Why is that? Why do we look out but not in? I'm not entirely sure...

A not so broken heart

I used to be in love with a boy, no surprise there for a 14 year old girl. Well I thought I was in love, but what is love? A chemical reaction of the brain? An instinct? An attraction? Love is what we want it to be.

Sometimes I think I get too deep in my own imagination, as if I have dived straight into myself, searching for something that I don't have the slightest clue as to what it may be. I think I was looking for someone to love though, because how else did I imagine this wonderful person where they weren't. I simply fell in love with my own imagination. I think that is why I have let go so easily, because I know now that I didn't really love him, just the idea. Ideas are terrible things. They take over your body and mind, make you do stupid things. They nestle themselves deep within you, causing yourself to go mad. An idea, unlike many things cannot be stopped, just subdued.

My friend asked me why I was not angry at this boy who temporarily broke my heart. Why I did not hate him and shout ugly things, for he was the bad guy, and I treated him as if he was the one that had charged in on a white steed, silver armour glimmering in the sunlight, and saved the damsel and the kingdom with a single strike of his sword. That of course is not true. I didn't treat him that way. The truth is he was neither a good guy nor bad guy. None of us were the good guys, there are no good guys and bad guys in that situation, and there is just love. Love that was being thrown around so easily that of course someone was going to be hurt.

I was the one that got hurt though. At the time I was definitely sad. I cared a lot about him, but the truth is I may have known about him, but I didn't know who he was. I knew what his favourite colour was and what team he supported and his favourite food and all those pointless little things that teachers normally ask the class on the first day as to help them all to make friends by finding things in common, but he rarely opened up to me. Every now and then he would be upset and angry at his dad or step mum or siblings and would vent to me but that was a very rare thing indeed.

I used to think that I wouldn't be able to cope without him. I thought of him as a detox and someone that would make me happy even when I’m sad, but since things went ugly and we don't talk anymore, there has been this strange feeling of enlightenment and as if some sort of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I knew he would hurt me and that I would cry over him, but rose coloured glasses have just happened to become my favourite accessory, whether I want them to be or not. I don't mind that this boy is no longer in my life.  I will find someone one day and I knew it wasn't going to be him and that he would hurt me in the end but you can always hope.

Welcome to the life of me

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t know what I am going to write about and I don’t even know who I am. All I do know is that I am a 14 year old girl and I want to escape from reality, and I’m not a suicidal attention seeking twelvie either. I just need to vent.

So that is what this blog is going to be about. Not a fashion advice page, or talking about music or movies or talking about spectacular places around the world. This blog is about my life. What I am thinking, what I am feeling and just everything in between. So welcome to the life of me.