These last couple of weeks have been fraught with disappointment. Now more than ever I am feeling the impact of just not quite being good enough. Some days it gets to you more than others. You begin to question whether or not if you just tried harder, if you had just done something more, if you had been something more it would have worked out, but it didn't. The weight of this disappointment is a burden in my chest that I want to desperately be relieved from. I just try so hard but I am never good enough and it just hurts so much. The amount of times I have just curled into a ball and listened to a song on repeat because that was all I could bare to do because I could not face the world. I wish for once there would just be someone on my side, a single loyal banner man who will not leave even though all is lost, and the dead scream silently.
My horoscope read the other day that despite feeling like I was losing the war, I was soon to win an important battle. Sometimes it gets to the point though where a single battle is not enough to win a war.
I keep betting, keep upping the stakes. I keep trying to make something out of nothing but it seems impossible. This is the hand I have been dealt, and it has gotten to the point where I feel as if I might as well fold before the stakes get too high and I'm left with nothing.