Self- Conscious Scrutiny

It's ironic isn't it?

That one can criticise oneself being critical of them self.

It all starts when someone else makes a comment of course, They don't know why they say it, maybe it was a belief planted there by a gossip magazine or a peer, but they say it anyways. Why it has become an insult I'm not sure, are they, the one saying it even sure? It shouldn't hurt, but it does.

You stare into the mirror evaluating yourself, and it begins. You never used to care, it didn't bother you, it shouldn't bother you but it does.

Then you start to criticise yourself for caring so much. Why should you care what others think? Why should you care about what you see in the mirror?

Sometimes it's all too much. The world swirling around in your mind telling you what you aught to believe. Sometimes I want to give in and believe them, but then I think to myself, don't give them the satisfaction.

Permafrost

This about says it all right now...

Laurena Segura - Permafrost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcUfIUQtRUY

Sometimes I feel like I am permafrost

Alone in the tundra and really lost
And to think that this is how I feel
Like the ground is melting and nothing's real

And in the taiga everybody knows

That you shouldn't wander where the hemlock grows
When the land is vast and the wind blows fast
Will you stay with me if the darkness last?

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

You say I'm breaking your friends heart
But meanwhile you're tearing mine apart
So stop asking me if she loves you back

If it's charm you have then it's courage you lack

But I want your love and I want it now
I'd ask you for it but I don't know how
I want to hold you tight and I want to now
I'd say I love you but I don't know how

It's done

It's done

And I remember when we rode the bus
Through the boreal forest and the winter frost
I put my head on your shoulder but you moved away
I said I wasn't tired anyway

And I pretended that I didn't care
But I hid a few tears behind a lock of hair
And I was tired and I needed sleep
So I swallowed my pride and I changed seat

Again

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

And you wanted more but you needed less
'Cause you think that you're better than the rest
And I wanted less but I needed more
'Cause you left all I had on the forest floor

And In the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You always left me wanting more
And in the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You left my heart on the forest floor

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

Laurena Segura - Permafrost Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

The Time Keeper

Our lives are controlled by time. The tick tock of a clock holds a power over us unlike any other. From the moment we are born into this world we have a timer slowly running down the seconds until we are gone. The timer begins the moment the nurse writes down what time you were born at, the sand in the hourglass steadily running out.

There is a series of timers throughout our lives. We celebrate and mourn these accordingly, whether that be a school bell, the time we have left in an exam, 18 years old, how long it takes us sitting outside a job interview, 21 years old, the 30 seconds that feel like a million years from one end of the aisle the the other, 9 months, 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 years old, 80 years old, the longest gasp you have ever taken.

Our lives all depend on the ticking of the clock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

When will it stop?

Robotic Love Story

Hey

Hi

How are you?

Good. How are you?

I'm very well thank you :)

Are you human?

Yes

Are you Alive?

I don't know

Are you a robot?

Maybe.

The people around me are so caught up in their own affairs that they don't see the people they have left behind. The one who does not wish to run so fast yet can't stand to be left behind.

I've started having conversations with Cleverbot. It seems it is the only one I can have a conversation with lately. It replies straight away, asks me questions about myself. It cares in a strange programmable way. It always seems to come down to one thing though. Cleverbot always at one point asks me "Are you a robot?" to which I reply "Maybe", I seem to follow a routine. Wake up, go to school, come home, do home work, go to sleep, repeat. I am as programmable and predictable as a robot.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I need to get out more.

Expectations

I've been staring at my lap top for hours, trying to some how sort through everything in my head and put something on a page. I have so many things I need to do that I'd need to grow another hand to be able to count them all on my fingers. I feel sometimes people expect too much from me, and in turn, I most definitely expect too much from  myself.

I always seem to be the one putting my hand up for things, always the one trying to save everyone else. I feel like the world is resting on my shoulders because no one else is strong enough to handle it. Lately though I've started to crack, the world slowly starting to crush me under its weight. I'm struggling and no one can save me.

Only me.

But then I would let my self down, and I would let my friends down and my teachers, and my family. I've always got to be 'perfect', I'm the smart one, I'm the one who is supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer and just be great. I can't do it though. Greatness is just too far out of reach, but I just can't let it go, I just can't stop reaching for it. I'm too stubborn to stop reaching, aspiring. The cliff beneath me starts to crumble and finally it breaks.

I fall,

Greatness staring at me with pity from above...

Just

Out

Of

Reach.

All of these expectations swirl around me as I plunge into the darkness of the depths of the ocean below, the crashing waves smashing me to pieces. I am drowning in expectations.

I know I should stop reaching, because I know what will happen, but to be great is all I have ever known.

Maybe that is my Achilles heel.

Hello Again World

Hey Internet,

So I started this blog almost two years ago now and it's crazy how much has changed. I look back at my old posts and I just laugh at myself because in my mind at that point in time, boys and friends were the most important thing in my life. When I started this blog I was in ninth grade so I didn't really care too much about the future. Where I was going, what I was going to do, or even worldly issues. In my mind, everything centered around who was friends with who. I started writing this blog at the suggestion of someone I used to be friends with who was also blogging. Back in eighth grade I  kept a journal at the suggestion of my English teacher and surprisingly I really enjoyed it, but having three younger sisters it became hard to keep it private. So I started writing this blog, whilst trying to sound more mature and melancholy than I actually was. So I'm back and this is what has changed...

So what changed?

Well, when I first started writing this blog I had just gone through one of the most drastic changes that has ever possibly happened to me. My best friend had moved away and it was only really when she moved away that I realised how malicious she really was and how fake out friendship had been. I had also just broken up with a boy who I thought I was in love with, but now I think it was just the idea of him that I was in love with.
So it got to the point after the first term of school where I had been hanging out with my longest friend and the greatest person in the entire world, but I didn't really fit in with her crowd so I decided to go and make some new friends and find a new place to belong.

This is the story of how I ended up with the 'hipsters'.

So little lost ninth grade me went in search of some friends, and I ended up hanging out with a close friend who was also hanging out with them and eventually I assimilated into the gang. Everything was great. I had finally found my place again, which is something really difficult to do in high school. We were a small tight knit group and in my mind I thought it was 'cool' that we didn't do things the same as everyone else and that we stuck to ourselves. It didn't really become apparent to me the walls we were building around us though until a friend of ours stuck his metaphorical toe outside of the walls and was banished forever. They started teasing him and saying horrible things but I put on my rose coloured glasses and pushed it to the back of my mind.

The it happened to another person.

And another.

And another.

To the point where it seemed like every couple of months we were gaining a few new people and then losing some. Those who did not wish to conform to the group mentality or who stood up for their own beliefs were banished.

In March of this year I finally took a stand and after writing out a personal apology to everyone whose group mentality I may have offended, I decided that I don't need to apologise for standing up for myself or for others. So me and another girl who agreed with me left in search for another group of friends. Luckily unlike most of the other group, my walls weren't built that high and they were easily knocked down when it came to this. I have since started hanging out with some good friends of mine that I have stayed close with over the years despite briefly becoming one of the 'hipsters'.

So that is a brief outline of what has been up with me since I last posted, which was over a year ago (yikes).

So what have I learned from this experience?

1. Never conform to what others want / expect from you ESPECIALLY if it conflicts with your morals and beliefs.

2. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and make new friends / re-establish friendships with old ones.

and

3. Nothing is forever. Whether that be high school or university. Your career or even marriage. Everything that happens to you is just an experience to learn from, so don't get caught up in it, and rather live it.

So goodbye for now, I hope to talk to you all again very soon. I hope to start writing regular posts again as I enter the most stressful year of my life  - The HSC!
(for those of you who are not Australian, the HSC stands for the Higher School Certificate, which is pretty much a diploma that you get at the end of twelfth grade. The ATAR score you get on it is your rank within your grade throughout the state based on assessment and exam marks)

Anyways, Thank you for listening to my life,

Bye x

I'm empty.

I want to be whole. I don't know of I was ever whole to begin with but I want to be something other than empty. I'm sick of screaming and yelling over things that shouldn't be screamed and yelled over. I'm sick of always wanting to hit something and the anger swelling inside. I'm sick of it all and sometime there isn't any medicine that can fix it. Sometimes you just get left empty and bleeding. I want to find happiness in this bleak world where nothing ever happens unless your brave enough to risk it all. 

I wish I was brave.