Monday, 29 July 2013

Feeling disheartened

So Michael messaged me about half an hour ago. It's the first time we have exchanged any form of communication since he started dating my ex-best friend again 2 weeks ago, which is forever for us, considering we used to talk everyday. This is actually so pathetic, 2 weeks, such a long time, but it has felt like a lifetime.

He has messaged me about 20 times now, most of them being minute long voice messages and I'm unsure what I am going to do. He is pleading with me to talk to him and saying he made a mistake and that he knows now he didn't really love her and that he dumped her but that doesn't really change anything that has happened and I don't think I could ever trust him ever again.

When he messaged me though, my heart literally jumped and I wish he didn't still have that effect on me. I wish I could just let go and forget but it's hard, especially when he has decided he wants to still be in my life.

The thing is, if he said to me that he is sorry and he misses me, I would go back without hesitation and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the girl that goes crawling back to a guy that has smushed her heart into a million pieces again and again. I still might though and that worries me. I've had these weird pins and needles ever since he started talking to me again and I wish I didn't because that just means that I still love him and I shouldn't love him. He should mean nothing to me, he is just a guy, nothing special but I can't shake this feeling. I just want him to stop or for me to wake up right now and realise this has just been all in my head because I can't deal with this right now.

I wish I wasn't weak and could resist him and I'm trying and I need someone like Emilia to be online right now and tell me "don't give in, you're stronger than this" and for me to smile and know that she is right and that he will leave me alone soon enough but she isn't online and I can't sleep so I'm going to continue to be broken for a little while now. Life sucks sometimes.