To me, paradise is somewhere away from the prying eyes of society where I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I feel as if I spend every single day pretending to be someone else, and acting differently around every single person and it has gotten to the point where I don't know when I'm pretending anymore. It's all just one blurred lie.
I'm lost, I really am. I don't know where I'm going or who I am. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I don't know what I am doing with myself at the moment. I thought I had these friends that I didn't need to pretend around but I do. I've been lying to everyone around me and pushing everyone away and becoming a secluse. I've changed and I thought it was for the good but in not so sure. I've just changed and my insides are turning darker and all I feel is anger.
I was recently told this story of how within ourselves there are two wolves which are at war with eachother. One of these wolves is good, the other evil. The good wolf is fueled by love and humility. The other wolf is fueled by hatred and anger. The decisions we make decide how strong each of the wolves is and therefore deciding which wolf is victorious over the other. The decisions we make determine the outcome of this battle and right now, the wolf inside of me that is winning is angry and strong.
I wish I had the strength to run and never look back. To use the strength and power of that wolf to my own benefit. I wish I could just take hold and pull myself onto his back with my arms tightly wrapped around his neck and then close my eyes and know that everything was going to be alright now. But it isn't alright and I'm not strong and I can't run and that scares me.