Self- Conscious Scrutiny

It's ironic isn't it?

That one can criticise oneself being critical of them self.

It all starts when someone else makes a comment of course, They don't know why they say it, maybe it was a belief planted there by a gossip magazine or a peer, but they say it anyways. Why it has become an insult I'm not sure, are they, the one saying it even sure? It shouldn't hurt, but it does.

You stare into the mirror evaluating yourself, and it begins. You never used to care, it didn't bother you, it shouldn't bother you but it does.

Then you start to criticise yourself for caring so much. Why should you care what others think? Why should you care about what you see in the mirror?

Sometimes it's all too much. The world swirling around in your mind telling you what you aught to believe. Sometimes I want to give in and believe them, but then I think to myself, don't give them the satisfaction.

Permafrost

This about says it all right now...

Laurena Segura - Permafrost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcUfIUQtRUY

Sometimes I feel like I am permafrost

Alone in the tundra and really lost
And to think that this is how I feel
Like the ground is melting and nothing's real

And in the taiga everybody knows

That you shouldn't wander where the hemlock grows
When the land is vast and the wind blows fast
Will you stay with me if the darkness last?

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

You say I'm breaking your friends heart
But meanwhile you're tearing mine apart
So stop asking me if she loves you back

If it's charm you have then it's courage you lack

But I want your love and I want it now
I'd ask you for it but I don't know how
I want to hold you tight and I want to now
I'd say I love you but I don't know how

It's done

It's done

And I remember when we rode the bus
Through the boreal forest and the winter frost
I put my head on your shoulder but you moved away
I said I wasn't tired anyway

And I pretended that I didn't care
But I hid a few tears behind a lock of hair
And I was tired and I needed sleep
So I swallowed my pride and I changed seat

Again

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

So I'd rather you make up your mind
A little faster, you're such a waste of time

And you wanted more but you needed less
'Cause you think that you're better than the rest
And I wanted less but I needed more
'Cause you left all I had on the forest floor

And In the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You always left me wanting more
And in the mixed forest with the lakes galore
You left my heart on the forest floor

I know I have nothing to give so may as well give up and live

Laurena Segura - Permafrost Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

The Time Keeper

Our lives are controlled by time. The tick tock of a clock holds a power over us unlike any other. From the moment we are born into this world we have a timer slowly running down the seconds until we are gone. The timer begins the moment the nurse writes down what time you were born at, the sand in the hourglass steadily running out.

There is a series of timers throughout our lives. We celebrate and mourn these accordingly, whether that be a school bell, the time we have left in an exam, 18 years old, how long it takes us sitting outside a job interview, 21 years old, the 30 seconds that feel like a million years from one end of the aisle the the other, 9 months, 30 years old, 40 years old, 50 years old, 60 years old, 70 years old, 80 years old, the longest gasp you have ever taken.

Our lives all depend on the ticking of the clock.

Tick.

Tock.

Tick.

Tock.

When will it stop?