Dearest Yesterday

When he messages you for the first time do not reply.
When he starts to show affection towards you do not be blind.
When he flatters you don't let him see how alone you are.
When he begins to embed himself in your life, walk away and don't look back.

He will come to you when you are weak.
He will come to comfort you,
and to whisper sweet lies,
and empty promises.

This will go on,
and on,
and on,
until you break free.

You will run,
vowing never to turn back.
Too busy looking behind you don't look forward,
and so you run straight into him

You tell yourself this time it will be different,
this time you won't let him get inside,
he will not become part of your life again,
but he does.

This is a mistake.
I'm begging you don't get attached.
RUN AWAY.
but you stay.

He will poison your mind,
and break your heart.
He will destroy you,
and you let him.

Eventually you will get free;
you will break the chains and run once more,
but he is never to far away,
always waiting in the shadows.

You run into him again one day.
It is unexpected.
You were not prepared.
You let him in.

He whispers the same sweet lies,
to you and to her.
She thinks he is sweet,
but it's because she is poisoned.

I miss you.
I miss the days of us.
I miss your friendship.
I miss the days of simplicity.

The poison seeps into your soul.
There is no us anymore.
Just you and him.
and just me.

I refuse to give up on you despite that I have been told that I might as well should. I can't bear to let this go. One day you will break free and hopefully we will talk once more. Dearest yesterday, do not fret, there is nothing you could have done. This is but how the world has decided to turn today and so be it. This will all be ok. Just keep reminding yourself of that. Everything will be alright. Do not worry. Do not break. Do not give up. Dearest yesterday, I've been telling you this for years, every thing always works out fine in the end.

Love always, Tomorrow.

Lose Your Soul

I always find it bizarre when the things you study at school somehow correspond with what is going on in your life. In this case it is the study of Romanticism. The Romantics believed in being true to yourself and maintaining your integrity despite whether it is morally or ethically right or wrong. This is something I have mentioned in a blog post I wrote a little over 2 years ago and it seems like once again, history is repeating itself and we are right back to this issue again.

It seems like I'm only going backwards. Despite the fact that I'm striving to work harder at school, be a better friend, and essentially be a better person in general, I've made too many left turns and ended right back where I started.

I've done this oh too many times before. I can feel it. I've began pushing people away. I'm not going out. There's an abyss in my chest and everything I've never said is building up at the back of my throat, suffocating me.

I want it to stop, but I can't remember how I've clawed my way out in the past.  It seems like I'm just going to have to ride it out. I may lose a few friends along the way, but hey, I've gotten pretty good at that by now. I just hope I don't lose whatever is left of me. 

There's this quote in one of my favourite movies, 'V for Vendetta' in which it says "Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free". 

I never understood that quote really until now. I guess I've come to interpret it as that we must never lose sight of who we are at our core. We may change and evolve, but our essence must never alter. We must never lose our soul. I shall try, and I may not succeed, but I hope that in the end, there is at least an inch left of what once was. 

The Hand That's Dealt

These last couple of weeks have been fraught with disappointment. Now more than ever I am feeling the impact of just not quite being good enough. Some days it gets to you more than others. You begin to question whether or not if you just tried harder, if you had just done something more, if you had been something more it would have worked out, but it didn't. The weight of this disappointment is a burden in my chest that I want to desperately be relieved from. I just try so hard but I am never good enough and it just hurts so much. The amount of times I have just curled into a ball and listened to a song on repeat because that was all I could bare to do because I could not face the world. I wish for once there would just be someone on my side, a single loyal banner man who will not leave even though all is lost, and the dead scream silently.

My horoscope read the other day that despite feeling like I was losing the war, I was soon to win an important battle. Sometimes it gets to the point though where a single battle is not enough to win a war.

I keep betting, keep upping the stakes. I keep trying to make something out of nothing but it seems impossible. This is the hand I have been dealt, and it has gotten to the point where I feel as if I might as well fold before the stakes get too high and I'm left with nothing.

Forgiveness

You snapped at me for the first time a few days ago. In that moment, I was so mad at you, but ultimately I let it go. You wanted me to scream at you and to yell and to say awful things but I couldn't. You asked if I could ever forgive you and I said that I already had.

In that moment I forgave you, but I didn't forgive you.

I said that it was fine, that I understood that you were just tired and I was just being annoying but it still hurt. It was like a slap to the face that I never saw coming

I let it go though. I kept it all inside for your sake. All though you were being a massive asshole and probably deserved for me to be angry I couldn't do it. I knew you were sick. That you would worry yourself half to death about it if I had just gone to bed and ignored you. I knew that you would be angry with yourself, and that you would think that you had messed up another friendship. I spend enough time around you to know that you wouldn't forgive yourself, and that would cause you more pain than me yelling at you ever would. So I let it go. I buried those feelings deep inside because although I may have been mad at you, and that you may have deserved it, you are still my best friend, and I could never put you through any pain, not even a little bit, not any at all.












I forgave you but I don't forgive you

Skulduggery Friendships

I am continually perplexed as to why people feel the need to create rumors. High school is stressful enough when it comes to exams and assignments, but then some individuals feel the need to start rumors. It is petty. It is pathetic. It is just stupid. Rumors have no ounce of truth to them what so ever and exist simply to hurt people. It's even worse when these rumors are started by someone you think is your friend. It hurts to think that someone you care about, and it supposedly loyal to you can turn around in an instant and do something like this to you.

I have not understood the pain of rumors and disloyal friends completely until recently. Of course I've had to deal with similar situations before, but nothing to this scale. It seems almost as if the stress of school is making everyone lose their minds.

After the rumor thing, I didn't think it could get any worse, but then a good friend of mine started to date someone I used to have a thing with. I have never understood the reason people do things like this. Is this what everyone is like at their core, or am I just unfortunate to have become friends with the wrong people.

I don't know what to do. I know I should rid this sort of negativity from my life but I've cut ties with too many friends this year as it is. I don't need this sort of negativity or drama in my life right now. It's times like these that I really hate high school.

Dear Heart

Dear Heart,

These are the things I wish I could say to you. What I scream in my head when ever you are around. The things that have become whispers, unable to be heard.

I want to tell how much I can't stand how you reply with a word consisting of one syllable. Was it so difficult to type a sentence? I also can't stand when you say 'ya' through text or in person. That's not even a word.

I want to say how much I really don't care about astrology, or what ever other nonsense you talk about, but that I simply listen to you talk about it forever because your passion for it makes me want to listen.

I want to tell you how when ever you say 'hello' like in that song by the cat empire, my heart melts a little but more.

How whenever you go on you start telling me about your nerdy star wars duels it just makes me love you even more.

How when ever I say "you suck", what I really mean is that you're an idiot but I love you anyways.

I actually love it when you send green hearts, even though green hearts are actually the stupidest.

I want to tell you that I miss you when ever you are not around.

I admittedly look at your lips way too often wondering what it would be like to kiss you.

I want to tell you that you are the greatest person I have met in a very long time, and that I can't remember what it was like before you but it must have been bleak.

I want to tell you that you underestimate yourself too often and that it's surprising how many people aren't throwing themselves at you.

I need you to know how smart you are. How naturally charming you are. How much of an amazing person you are, even if there are some fatal flaws in your music taste ;)

I want to tell you that you are my best friend and I love you so much.



But I don't tell you.

Hesitation

We are driving when we come to a round about. I wait to let the other person in before me, but they seem to do the same. We both then notice the other is waiting for the other and then go at the same time. My father then stomps onto the brake that is not there and curses my hesitation for it almost got us killed.

You go to walk away. You're about to perform. I reach out to you and whisper 'good luck'. How easy it would have been to lean in at that moment and do what I have thought about so many times before, but instead I watch you walk away.

We're walking together, so starry eyed that I do not notice we have come to an intersection and we must cross the street. I wait there as you laugh at me from the other side of the road for my hesitation has caused me to miss so many gaps in the traffic for me to cross the road.

I wait for every single car to go. I watch them drive past me and into the distance.

How many opportunities have I watched pass me by? How many have driven away unnoticed?

My hesitation is something that I must work on. I refuse to seize the things I want and rather let them by to people who I think deserve it more.

I must overcome my hesitation but I am too hesitant to try.